update …..

The long overdue update. Really what can I say, first few weeks were rough, the treatment is testing, basically one whole day of chemo served intravenously which apart from the boredom isn’t as bad as it sounds. The tablets on the other hand, in truth i don’t think the word has been invented to describe their effect. Basically, a tablet take out, two days at home about 15 tabs all in a day, delightful chaps they are, steroids to – I guess – make you hungry and ensure you eat, though the boredom sees to that, I’ve put on a stone since starting this and while the hospital staff say its great because at least I’m responding to the treatment, hell I hate it, personally I was going for the heroin chic look. Then there’s the sickness supressors, its probably the worst side effect I’ve had yet. Happily, aside the fatigue, I’ve managed to avoid all the usual side effects apart from hair loss which at one point was getting to such ridiculous levels, this tying in with the cat shedding his winter coat, that it necessitated a full time hoovering operation. Still, the bonus of this is that i’ve not had to shave in an age, a result though I wouldn’t recommend going to the extreme lengths, albeit unwittingly, that I have to achieve this. Boredom and that sense of the waiting game are probably the biggest downsides, of course you go through the phases of shock, upset and anger, in my case i bypassed and went straight to anger, years of eating fruit and being careful with what I ate went straight through the window, i was now able to have bacon, sausages and all manner of nastiness literally swimming in fat. What the hell eh. And then one day you wake up, its sunny, the mood changes, the hang ups and the what ifs dissipate and while you still can’t focus, there’s a sense of blissfulness, maybe escape, certainly a feeling of the positive comes to pass, that squaring of the terms of your fate. Now I’m not saying this is an easy ride, you wouldn’t wish it on your worst enemy, but it’s a pause, rather more a reset. I’ve accepted the challenge even I’ve been told by my consultant, that though they have a particularly good outcome with this type of cancer, its nature is such that it’ll reappear in time, so if it doesn’t get me this time it’ll sure as hell come back with a renewed ambition at some undefined point in the future. Last chemo session is Monday, fingers crossed, I failed my bloods today again, so the next session will be dependant on whether i generate enough white bloods cells and nutrofills over the weekend. Amongst all of this I’ve packed in smoking, it’s early days so don’t start hanging out the bunting just yet, now I love smoking and it’s been a far harder thing to accept that the vice you love is the vice that’s killing you. So that’s it basically, taking each day as it comes which before this starts getting all morbid we’ll just say we are on cannabis oils at the moment, whether they work is another matter, these ones are oral as opposed to the others I had which, how can I best say this politely, you deposited up your jaxsy all of which caused a degree of mortified shock in the gaff, I mean so innocent were we that we had to go online to check how indeed one applied said goods to their destination. Ho hum…….

p.s. can i just add apologies to all those who’ve contacted with well wishes, messages and other such stuff, I know I went off radar for a while, I guess it was just my way of coping. I just wanted to say apologies, it gets to a point where you just don’t want the conversation dictated by this. Also any bands who’ve likewise been in touch, please can you resend, there’s like 5 months of emails in my inbox which for all the will in the world saying you’ll catch up with them, frankly I have to accept that the chances of that happening are on a level ranging from remote to impossible. that said, you never know. xxx  

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